"Here's the thing, I've already gone crazy once. I know what my limits are."

feels to me like i'm always waiting. waiting for this or that or some other thing to happen. it's all just a game. i've been waiting for december for such a long time...and now that i'm in the middle of it, it appears that i'll be waiting for february until everything is okay and i can breathe again. i lived my life this way before... it landed me i the hospital and on medications for years. i know that i'm too close to the line and am having to retreat. i'm having to *not care* and just live my life, rather than waiting to be able to breathe again. it takes courage & it takes discipline & it takes going against my very will, embedded deep down in my core.

yep, i gotta model through it...

there are many days that i feel this way

i'm still not sure what this is turning into... almost positive it's just more randomness on the www. i want to create something meaningful. for me. for you. for someone out there. maybe it's silly, but it's actually something that i need. not a want, as previously mentioned, but a need.

& i'm not sure how open i can be with you right now, because i honestly can't remember how well i hid my identity for this whole "modelthrough" branding. at one point, i wanted to be completely transparent, but it's obvious these days that i can't do that. i need to crawl up into my privacy and let it nurse me back to health. which directly conflicts with wanting to tell you everything that i'm thinking/feeling/dreaming. wanting to say things to you that may directly or indirectly affect you and your life.

i've started this new relationship and my whole attitude towards it was that if it didn't work out, then ok, i'll be ok. i can walk away relatively unscathed. not scarred. i was not going to be giddy and get attached too soon. but then the days & weeks come & go and the words freely flow. open, honest words. not hiding our scars. not pretending that we're okay when we aren't. and i have started to care. i've started to feel like i want to protect her from anything that i can. i want to make her laugh & smile always. i want to make her happy when i surprise her with little things. i am literally unable to judge her because any flaws she has are beautiful to me.

i feel like i've passed that point with her. you know the one, where you can't go back. you either keep on the same path, or you hit a brick wall, scarred and broken.

it scares me.

Anything Goes. Everything Counts.

So I started my evening off innocently enough... painting the living room and entryway to my new home, while watching Reefer Madness: The Movie Musical. Had a few beers, a little Adderall to help me concentrate. Finished up around 9:00 and came home. I spent a little time catching up on Google Reader news and Autostraddle.com. Watched some Tegan & Sara videos to make me smile. Tegan and Sara always make me smile.

I put all of the animals to bed around 10:30 and then, I read and re-read a blog entry that Riese wrote called "What Did You Do Out There. What Did You Decide." It's beautifully written, and as A;ex commented, I hope that Riese's move will allow her to write more blog entries. I think they inspire many people.

[Side-note: I've been reading auto-win (Riese) for a very long time and I've seen Autostraddle develop. I feel, in a way, like I know her. It's not in some creeper type of way... it just makes me happy to know that she (& Alex!) exist. & I can't wait until the day (sometime next year) when I've got an extra couple hundred dollars that I can give to them, to help out Autostraddle - which is an awesome website you should totally check out.]

Anyway, re-reading her entry, I thought about how much I used to write. I had an overwhelming desire to document my life. Try to make sense of it all. This, of course, happened over on LJ, because that was pretty much it back then as far as I knew of when it came to online journaling/blogging. So I hopped on over to LJ.com and decided to go back through about 6 years of entries. Re-live the past, hoping that it will make my present seem better perhaps? It didn't do that, but it did spur in me a sense of needing to be more honest and open than I've been. It also made me realize that I am way gay and need to slow down when it comes to dating.

So now I feel like maybe this is the place where I can do that again.  Document my life, I mean. Make sense of it all.
..................................

Just talked to an old friend on Facebook for a few minutes. She can't sleep either. I didn't tell her that my main cause for insomnia was most likely the Adderall. She and I used to do a lot of coke together back in the early 2000's but she's got kids and all of that now. She's grown up. I'm really proud of her. But I can't tell her that. We don't have it like that anymore. I miss Joy a lot of times. I never really needed to walk away from her like I did. She saved my life. One day, I simply disappeared. It was a shitty thing to do. Something that I've apologized to her for several times. But I still have to live with it every day. I have a lot of mistakes/regrets/actions that I have to live with every day. Am I wrong to do this? Should I just accept that I made them and let them go?

The obvious answer is yes. I've definitely learned my lessons well from them. I think I need to let go and breathe and smile again. Become who I was when I was myself & coincidentally, the happiest I've ever been in my life. It's time for the old rule to become the new mantra:

Anything Goes. Everything Counts.

all these years

so i'm not sure what exactly i'm typing today. this blog is by no means anything more than a rant. i feel like i've lost my mind. i'm literally eating cookie dough out of the tube right now. tonight, i'll be reduced to open cans of things and ...

let's regroup, shall we? so don't ask don't tell vote fell through today. that sucks. on the advice of Riese Bernard over at Autostraddle, I've ordered Richard Yates by Tao Lin. I've also ordered New & Selected Poems by Stephen Dunn. She & I seem to have a lot in common, if anything she's ever written on auto-win is true ;-)













Anyway, I'm hoping that these bring insight into my life. I'm also re-reading Tipping the Velvet, along with Ash by Melinda Lo and also, don't kill me - Twilight. I figure if I'm going to diss it, I have to read it.













So now that my secret shame it out of the way, I can move on to happier topics, perhaps one of your choosing. Wait, there don't seem to be any of you. I suppose I could go on about how my newly ex-girlfriend won't stop communicating with me and called me her best friend today. (Ouch, yes - the sound that you heard was definitely my heart exploding. It's okay, I've learned how to put it back together...)
Or I could talk about my first love, and how she contacted me the other day to tell me she's sorry for how she's acted. She just was diagnosed bipolar at 30 years of age. I knew this when we were in high school together...way before my diagnosis. Which she chastised me for having to take pills for. Anyway, so over that.
Or I could talk about how I"m trying to move into my Grandmother's vacant house, if I can get it painted and a new roof put on. I feel like this will never happen. I feel crazy and I feel like I"m in the wrong place and I have no idea where to even begin to stop the swirling-whirling-crazy thoughts in my head.

So I"ll take a deep breath, and another bite of cookie dough. Then perhaps I'll finish up work, drop by and pick up some beer (that I shouldn't be drinking) and get started painting again. Unless any of you have a better way of modeling through...??

Operation P90

So I've started Tony Horton's P90 workout because I've head nothing but great things and I need some sort of structured exercise program. I like to run during the winter, but let's face it - during this heat - there's no way in hell that I'm going out in it. Enter P90. You alternate Cardio and Strength training 6 days a week. I've only been doing it for a week, but I'm starting to feel a lot better and definitely geting some good sleep at night. I'll try to keep posting about it as I progress though the 90 days. Wish me luck!

letting go does not mean giving up

Yesterday. Sitting eversoclose to me on the burning hot sidewalk, she suddenly grabbed my face with hands so soft. My tears (the result of years of frustration/depression/taking the wrong path ever single time) met her fingers as she carefully wiped them away and kissed my cheek. She's beautiful, I think to myself - inside and out. Pulling me towards her, cradling me in her arms as strangers walked by, she whispered into my ear. "Letting go does not mean that you're giving up."


So this may or may not have happened. This blog is just starting out. No one I know in real life knows anything about it. That's how I need it to be for now. Will that change? Perhaps. In time. I'm not sure which way I'm taking this. All I know is that I've got to have a place to put everything down. To practice writing. I'm still debating the line between public and private.

My girlfriend broke up with me (again) this past weekend. I've been going through problems with depression & anxiety, some stemming from her & the relationship actually. She just couldn't take it. Wasn't strong enough for both of us. She has her own shit to deal with. The funny thing about it is, I am strong enough for both of us. I've told her so. I suppose she just doesn't have faith in me. Maybe I never opened up enough about my past and everything that I pulled myself out of and through. She's had problems as well, and who am I to measure one person's pain against another's? Unfortunately, I do.

I'm rambling. You'll find that I tend to do that. But I like to think that I always get around to the point, and it is this: Not only have I lost the love that I was planning a future with, I've lost my best friend too. No one at all to talk to, because over the years, friends have drifted and moved and betrayed. Basically, I'm not close with many people. I have my walls up ... I've been hurt too much in the past. I protect myself because I know that I'm all that I've got when it comes down to the simplicities of it all. As the quote goes: "Damaged people are dangerous. They know they can survive."

So I know that I'm closed and guarded and keep everything to myself. Must do everything-for me-by myself. That's no way to live a life. I need to learn to let go. Not obsess over things. Just because I'm not obsessing over my debt, doesn't mean I'm giving up on fixing it. Just because I'm letting go of K, doesn't mean I'm giving up on her. I have to remember that the future is what I make of it...

sometimes, ya gotta model through it

In now way whatsoever am I a Tyra Banks fan. I do, however, fully thank her for saving my life via her belief that no matter what happens in life, sometimes you just have to "model through" it.

Staring at the brink of 32 years old, I never imagined that my life would be this way. I think it was possibly my deepest fear. It kept me up at night, planning how to live a life without debt, anxiety and sometimes pure, unadulterated insanity. But here I am, stuck in everything I had feared I would find. With all of the worrying I did back then, I didn't pay attention to the fact that I was already starting out on the wrong foot.

Randomness: I also worried night and day that I was a lesbian. Guess what - I am. It's great, probably one of the only things that I don't have to worry about.

So here are the facts:

I am so full of anxiety that I find it amazing that I can actually function.

I am stuck with a house that is worth half what I owe on it. I cannot get any help because -

My credit sucks.
I've never been a patient person but my semi-girlfriend has turned me into one of the most patient people that you'll ever meet.
There are, of course, more facts that will seep out along the way. I can't unload it all on you all at once!

Anyhow, I keep going, day after day, modeling through, trying to figure out ways to fix the problems in my life. This blog will at times be depressing, or sad, or funny, and at the moment - it may not have much direction. But give me a little time and I'll figure out what I'm doing-what my message is-and maybe, who I am.