Anything Goes. Everything Counts.

So I started my evening off innocently enough... painting the living room and entryway to my new home, while watching Reefer Madness: The Movie Musical. Had a few beers, a little Adderall to help me concentrate. Finished up around 9:00 and came home. I spent a little time catching up on Google Reader news and Autostraddle.com. Watched some Tegan & Sara videos to make me smile. Tegan and Sara always make me smile.

I put all of the animals to bed around 10:30 and then, I read and re-read a blog entry that Riese wrote called "What Did You Do Out There. What Did You Decide." It's beautifully written, and as A;ex commented, I hope that Riese's move will allow her to write more blog entries. I think they inspire many people.

[Side-note: I've been reading auto-win (Riese) for a very long time and I've seen Autostraddle develop. I feel, in a way, like I know her. It's not in some creeper type of way... it just makes me happy to know that she (& Alex!) exist. & I can't wait until the day (sometime next year) when I've got an extra couple hundred dollars that I can give to them, to help out Autostraddle - which is an awesome website you should totally check out.]

Anyway, re-reading her entry, I thought about how much I used to write. I had an overwhelming desire to document my life. Try to make sense of it all. This, of course, happened over on LJ, because that was pretty much it back then as far as I knew of when it came to online journaling/blogging. So I hopped on over to LJ.com and decided to go back through about 6 years of entries. Re-live the past, hoping that it will make my present seem better perhaps? It didn't do that, but it did spur in me a sense of needing to be more honest and open than I've been. It also made me realize that I am way gay and need to slow down when it comes to dating.

So now I feel like maybe this is the place where I can do that again.  Document my life, I mean. Make sense of it all.
..................................

Just talked to an old friend on Facebook for a few minutes. She can't sleep either. I didn't tell her that my main cause for insomnia was most likely the Adderall. She and I used to do a lot of coke together back in the early 2000's but she's got kids and all of that now. She's grown up. I'm really proud of her. But I can't tell her that. We don't have it like that anymore. I miss Joy a lot of times. I never really needed to walk away from her like I did. She saved my life. One day, I simply disappeared. It was a shitty thing to do. Something that I've apologized to her for several times. But I still have to live with it every day. I have a lot of mistakes/regrets/actions that I have to live with every day. Am I wrong to do this? Should I just accept that I made them and let them go?

The obvious answer is yes. I've definitely learned my lessons well from them. I think I need to let go and breathe and smile again. Become who I was when I was myself & coincidentally, the happiest I've ever been in my life. It's time for the old rule to become the new mantra:

Anything Goes. Everything Counts.

all these years

so i'm not sure what exactly i'm typing today. this blog is by no means anything more than a rant. i feel like i've lost my mind. i'm literally eating cookie dough out of the tube right now. tonight, i'll be reduced to open cans of things and ...

let's regroup, shall we? so don't ask don't tell vote fell through today. that sucks. on the advice of Riese Bernard over at Autostraddle, I've ordered Richard Yates by Tao Lin. I've also ordered New & Selected Poems by Stephen Dunn. She & I seem to have a lot in common, if anything she's ever written on auto-win is true ;-)













Anyway, I'm hoping that these bring insight into my life. I'm also re-reading Tipping the Velvet, along with Ash by Melinda Lo and also, don't kill me - Twilight. I figure if I'm going to diss it, I have to read it.













So now that my secret shame it out of the way, I can move on to happier topics, perhaps one of your choosing. Wait, there don't seem to be any of you. I suppose I could go on about how my newly ex-girlfriend won't stop communicating with me and called me her best friend today. (Ouch, yes - the sound that you heard was definitely my heart exploding. It's okay, I've learned how to put it back together...)
Or I could talk about my first love, and how she contacted me the other day to tell me she's sorry for how she's acted. She just was diagnosed bipolar at 30 years of age. I knew this when we were in high school together...way before my diagnosis. Which she chastised me for having to take pills for. Anyway, so over that.
Or I could talk about how I"m trying to move into my Grandmother's vacant house, if I can get it painted and a new roof put on. I feel like this will never happen. I feel crazy and I feel like I"m in the wrong place and I have no idea where to even begin to stop the swirling-whirling-crazy thoughts in my head.

So I"ll take a deep breath, and another bite of cookie dough. Then perhaps I'll finish up work, drop by and pick up some beer (that I shouldn't be drinking) and get started painting again. Unless any of you have a better way of modeling through...??