Operation P90

So I've started Tony Horton's P90 workout because I've head nothing but great things and I need some sort of structured exercise program. I like to run during the winter, but let's face it - during this heat - there's no way in hell that I'm going out in it. Enter P90. You alternate Cardio and Strength training 6 days a week. I've only been doing it for a week, but I'm starting to feel a lot better and definitely geting some good sleep at night. I'll try to keep posting about it as I progress though the 90 days. Wish me luck!

letting go does not mean giving up

Yesterday. Sitting eversoclose to me on the burning hot sidewalk, she suddenly grabbed my face with hands so soft. My tears (the result of years of frustration/depression/taking the wrong path ever single time) met her fingers as she carefully wiped them away and kissed my cheek. She's beautiful, I think to myself - inside and out. Pulling me towards her, cradling me in her arms as strangers walked by, she whispered into my ear. "Letting go does not mean that you're giving up."


So this may or may not have happened. This blog is just starting out. No one I know in real life knows anything about it. That's how I need it to be for now. Will that change? Perhaps. In time. I'm not sure which way I'm taking this. All I know is that I've got to have a place to put everything down. To practice writing. I'm still debating the line between public and private.

My girlfriend broke up with me (again) this past weekend. I've been going through problems with depression & anxiety, some stemming from her & the relationship actually. She just couldn't take it. Wasn't strong enough for both of us. She has her own shit to deal with. The funny thing about it is, I am strong enough for both of us. I've told her so. I suppose she just doesn't have faith in me. Maybe I never opened up enough about my past and everything that I pulled myself out of and through. She's had problems as well, and who am I to measure one person's pain against another's? Unfortunately, I do.

I'm rambling. You'll find that I tend to do that. But I like to think that I always get around to the point, and it is this: Not only have I lost the love that I was planning a future with, I've lost my best friend too. No one at all to talk to, because over the years, friends have drifted and moved and betrayed. Basically, I'm not close with many people. I have my walls up ... I've been hurt too much in the past. I protect myself because I know that I'm all that I've got when it comes down to the simplicities of it all. As the quote goes: "Damaged people are dangerous. They know they can survive."

So I know that I'm closed and guarded and keep everything to myself. Must do everything-for me-by myself. That's no way to live a life. I need to learn to let go. Not obsess over things. Just because I'm not obsessing over my debt, doesn't mean I'm giving up on fixing it. Just because I'm letting go of K, doesn't mean I'm giving up on her. I have to remember that the future is what I make of it...

sometimes, ya gotta model through it

In now way whatsoever am I a Tyra Banks fan. I do, however, fully thank her for saving my life via her belief that no matter what happens in life, sometimes you just have to "model through" it.

Staring at the brink of 32 years old, I never imagined that my life would be this way. I think it was possibly my deepest fear. It kept me up at night, planning how to live a life without debt, anxiety and sometimes pure, unadulterated insanity. But here I am, stuck in everything I had feared I would find. With all of the worrying I did back then, I didn't pay attention to the fact that I was already starting out on the wrong foot.

Randomness: I also worried night and day that I was a lesbian. Guess what - I am. It's great, probably one of the only things that I don't have to worry about.

So here are the facts:

I am so full of anxiety that I find it amazing that I can actually function.

I am stuck with a house that is worth half what I owe on it. I cannot get any help because -

My credit sucks.
I've never been a patient person but my semi-girlfriend has turned me into one of the most patient people that you'll ever meet.
There are, of course, more facts that will seep out along the way. I can't unload it all on you all at once!

Anyhow, I keep going, day after day, modeling through, trying to figure out ways to fix the problems in my life. This blog will at times be depressing, or sad, or funny, and at the moment - it may not have much direction. But give me a little time and I'll figure out what I'm doing-what my message is-and maybe, who I am.