i'm still not sure what this is turning into... almost positive it's just more randomness on the www. i want to create something meaningful. for me. for you. for someone out there. maybe it's silly, but it's actually something that i need. not a want, as previously mentioned, but a need.
& i'm not sure how open i can be with you right now, because i honestly can't remember how well i hid my identity for this whole "modelthrough" branding. at one point, i wanted to be completely transparent, but it's obvious these days that i can't do that. i need to crawl up into my privacy and let it nurse me back to health. which directly conflicts with wanting to tell you everything that i'm thinking/feeling/dreaming. wanting to say things to you that may directly or indirectly affect you and your life.
i've started this new relationship and my whole attitude towards it was that if it didn't work out, then ok, i'll be ok. i can walk away relatively unscathed. not scarred. i was not going to be giddy and get attached too soon. but then the days & weeks come & go and the words freely flow. open, honest words. not hiding our scars. not pretending that we're okay when we aren't. and i have started to care. i've started to feel like i want to protect her from anything that i can. i want to make her laugh & smile always. i want to make her happy when i surprise her with little things. i am literally unable to judge her because any flaws she has are beautiful to me.
i feel like i've passed that point with her. you know the one, where you can't go back. you either keep on the same path, or you hit a brick wall, scarred and broken.
it scares me.
